I hoard funny tweets. And 2022 was chock full of them. Somehow, I managed to narrow them down to the 50 that made me laugh the hardest.
Here they are, for your enjoyment. (If you’re sensitive to adult content, stop right here. You’ve been warned!)
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 11, 2022
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
please, untitled document was my father, call me untitled document (1)
— cal? OF sale ♥️ (@cal_gif) August 16, 2022
doctor: [handing me my newborn son]
— cory (@coolmathgame_) October 11, 2022
me: he’s beautiful
baby: *starts crying*
me: ok he kind of sucks
tell your cat I said pspspspsps
— Dont Show Your Cat (@DontShowYourCat) September 14, 2022
what the inside of my AirPods case looks like is between me and God
— kaleb (@kalubstudman) July 5, 2022
just gave your address to some spiders
— top mind (@someduckingguy) October 4, 2022
hey do you need any help in the kitchen?? please say no please say no please say no
— charlie (@chunkbardey) September 3, 2022
just opened the goodie bag from my dentist appointment 6 months ago and found a note that says there’s a guy in the back room with a gun
— Big Boy Online ☝️😳 (@idonotbleed) January 26, 2022
so embarrassing that jesus loves me. i barely think about him at all
— trash jones (@jzux) August 23, 2022
You don’t like cargo shorts? Let me check my 46 pockets for a fuck to give
— gianmarco (@GianmarcoSoresi) April 29, 2022
[trying to insult a british person even though I know nothing about england] heard your mom is from Leeds
— brent (@murrman5) May 6, 2022
me: I make a mean banana bread
— john (@mrjohndarby) February 11, 2022
her: let's see
my banana bread: you'll never make anything of your life
“shake what ur mama gave ya” ok but idk how to shake emotional trauma
— dirk on the couch (@onthemauve) February 23, 2022
Finishing having sex with a woman, putting my clothes back on and nervously asking her if she can help me tie my shoes
— Timothee Chalamet Tha God (@KILLIAN_MCUNT) August 11, 2022
termites are like: don't talk to me before i've had my coffee table
— Jack Corbett (@jackcorrbit) September 17, 2022
I say "will do" a lot for someone who don't do
— ꪜ pat++ (@patsatweetin) May 19, 2022
me: yes i’m sexually active
— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) January 26, 2022
the dentist: i didn’t ask
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey bro you should charge your milk
— kim (@KimmyMonte) March 30, 2022
i am not having a baja blast i am actually kind of having a baja hard time
— trash jones (@jzux) July 28, 2022
[holding newborn as the nurses stitch my wife back up, change her sheets, inject her with pain meds, explain she needs a transfusion bc she lost a lot of blood during the 37 hour labour] we should name him after me
— brent (@murrman5) October 7, 2022
PLEASE wear cologne that matches your face! Got me turning around for foolishness
— kas🪬 (@urth2kas) October 26, 2022
(pointing to menu) and the tots, are they tatered in-house?
— skip intro (@chuchugoogoo) August 23, 2022
getting an oil change in my car. bored of this oil
— slick (@dlicj) September 28, 2022
(subtly sussing out whether a potential new friend has a pool) So what kind of stuff do you do at home? do you ever submerge yourself
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) August 29, 2022
There are 206 bones in the average human body. 207 in your mom.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) March 7, 2022
Following the suck tube at the dentist and it goes in a cabinet and its an intern with a long straw
— John Kennedy (@FrazzleMyGimp) October 19, 2022
would like to be wined, dined, and 69’d but would also accept weed, feed, and do the deed
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) October 14, 2022
“I love fall” ok then name every gourd
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) September 3, 2022
harry potter: this meeting could've been an owl
— john (@mrjohndarby) January 25, 2022
Why we gotta have resumes, just trust me bro
— Isa (@PresidentIsael9) March 14, 2022
i am 17k in kohl's cash debt. they sent the kohl's police after me and they killed my brother
— jame (@kloogans) May 10, 2022
my penis is a feminist the way it sticks up for women
— colin (@cheeserburger) September 12, 2022
My father died when someone poured some sugar on him you son of a bitch
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, Holiday Enthusiast (@BuckyIsotope) June 11, 2022
sometimes i be calling the numbers on missing dog posters and just bark
— 𝔾𝕠𝕪𝕒 ✨ (@GoyitaXO) August 28, 2022
Me: sometimes I’ll remember a thing I said four years ago and get so anxious 😣
— pj (@pjayevans) September 16, 2022
My great grandpa: I killed sixteen people in WW2
Chanting “one less song” at the end of a concert i didn’t enjoy
— cam (@harleybaghdad) October 4, 2022
*on a date* i am so sorry my friend Potential Spam needs me i have to go
— Cat Elgarrista (@cat_elg) April 21, 2022
first person to start clapping must have been like what the fuck am i doing right now
— jame (@kloogans) October 20, 2022
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) June 22, 2022
I’m my family’s primary bread loser
— Cameron Bradford (@camerobradford) December 11, 2022
my problem with fuck marry kill is if i’m busy fucking and killing its not necessarily the best time to also plan a wedding
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) October 12, 2022
When I was 8 I listened to hip hop for the first time and called my grandfather a sucka mc and he smashed my Xbox
— h b (@h3xenbrenner2) November 22, 2022
just got fired from my job at the sperm bank for asking the donors if they’re jerking hard or hardly jerking
— teryn (@youngtiddy) September 26, 2022
rip sylvia plath you would have loved special k with red berries
— dj fuck (@eggshellfriend) November 16, 2022
bitch i got HBO max, Disney plus, and a air fryer. you not finna talk to me crazy
— juju 2.0 (@ihyjuju) January 6, 2022
do sperm banks have atms or did i just fuck a redbox
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) February 1, 2022
(At war) You guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
— pj (@pjayevans) August 3, 2022
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
— l¡ko 𖦹 (@pradaliko) September 10, 2022
i’m in the top 0.1% of listeners to your mom moaning lol
— cory (@coolmathgame_) November 30, 2022
I’ve been a doctor for twenty years, so I’ve pretty much seen it all, wieners, asses, jugs… you name it
— Cameron Bradford (@camerobradford) August 18, 2022
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