families are supposed to pass down recipes for generations and mine was like ooops all trauma
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) August 9, 2023
(looking up from candy crush) yeahh wait sorry how did she die
— pj (@pjayevans) September 4, 2023
(Seeing a friend I haven’t hung out with since I was 7) do you still have your birthday at McDonald’s
— pj (@pjayevans) September 5, 2023
everything bagels only actually have 5 things so this is your sign to lie about your credentials
— stoned cold fox (@roastmalone_) January 5, 2023
ok i’ll bite. what’s a “warrant for my arrest”
— teryn (@youngtiddy) May 3, 2023
the baby is kicking!! he must like vodka redbulls
— teryn (@youngtiddy) June 24, 2023
I got kicked out of the Black Mirror writers room because I kept pitching “air fryer gets horny”
— 7/11 Truther (@DaveMcNamee3000) June 15, 2023
“I read something the other day”- me referencing a TikTok I watched
— Paul Black (@paulbIack) January 8, 2023
“I hate small talk” oh ok. what are your thoughts on the the Louisiana Purchase
— alex (@turntineforwhat) March 9, 2023
Free: baby skis. used once
— josh (auldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) February 7, 2023
Just took my shoes off for the night. TSA would love this
— pj (@pjayevans) September 17, 2023
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
— Mr KYS (@Nick_Cerveza) May 10, 2023
since we can't use plastic straws anymore i've just been choking turtles with my bare hands
— tanya (@Tanya_Sabrinaaa) October 11, 2023
Sexy woman: I don’t have any money… Is there another way I can pay you?
— big boy online (@idonotbleed) September 7, 2023
Pizza delivery guy: you actually already paid on the app
Porn director (pinching bridge of nose): cut
[first day as hostage negotiater]
— cory (@coolmathgame_) April 11, 2023
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[first day as a pilot]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 12, 2023
Me: we're about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Things are not “Gucci” my man, things are Mossimo for Target at best
— Julie Marchiano (@juliemarchiano) June 3, 2023
shall i compare thee to a nissan summer sales event
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 21, 2023
the worst part about popping a boner in front of the class was everyone finding out how much i liked math
— fredesque (@FredTaming) May 11, 2023
silence of the lambs is a really misleading title. they should have called it Weird Guy
— Austin (@adoptedhighway) September 24, 2023
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
— RM (@dorsalstream) February 6, 2023
[Clippy from Microsoft Word]:
— inspector ratchet (@_hood_mona_lisa) May 4, 2023
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED HELP STUNTIN ON THESE HOES Y/N
Server: Ever dined with us before?
— Nathan Hare (@nathanharenice) August 14, 2023
Me: No and I’m FREAKING out
(toddler stand up comedian) now who here like to go potty?
— Math Liker (@stokestheorem) July 15, 2023
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) March 27, 2023
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